Ngày 6-8 @ 12:15 am,
Lại thêm một đêm không ngủ được. Trời khuya, còn bốn tiếng đồng hồ nữa là phải chuẩn bị đi làm.
My entire body is aching right now, every muscle feels weak. And when I stand up I see flashes, đầu quay vòng vòng và thấy hàng ngàn ánh sao. Am I sick? Again? For the second time this year. I usually don’t get sick this often. What is wrong with me lately? I don't have time to be sick atm, sigh.
…
Lúc ban chiều đi làm về, định đến gym như lại chóng mặt nên thôi, bỏ ý định, đợi ngày mai. Vậy là trong ba ngày liên tiếp không workout, có lẽ vì vậy cho nên oải trong người. Sau đó muốn đi đón Anna nhưng hơi sớm một tiếng đồng hồ nên quyết định láy xe về nhà nằm nghỉ một lát. Smh. I forgot I had a guess at home. Last night, her friend dropped her off at my house, so that was the reason she didn’t have a car to drive back to her house. And my little nephew was also there too, at my house I meant.
So I parked my SUV in the drive way. It was so hot outside today, hot, humid, and pouring, mưa từng cơn mưa rào, nasty. I could feel my sweat dripping down my shirt even though the AC was blasting in the SUV.
I came in the back door. As soon as I shut the kitchen door I was very tired, and hot. So I took my shirt off and threw myself on the floor. Face down, almost felt asleep. I was so out of it I didn’t even hear foot steps. Suddenly, someone grasped my left shoulder. Speaking of freaking out. I almost had a heart attack. Thank god I only took my shirt off. What would happen if I took my pants off? Don’t answer that question. Smh
That was really awkward!!!
It wasn’t time to pick Anna up yet, but I didn’t want to stay in the house so I put my shirt back on and pretended like it was time for day care to shut down. I ran out as fast as I could and drove to day care to pick up my daughter. Speaking of adrenaline rushing in a man’s body. I was exhausted but all of a sudden I had all sort of energy to get myself out of the house. A human’s body is a mystery. Khi đối diện vấn đề ngặt nghèo thì có bệnh hay là mệt mỏi cỡ nào cũng hết.
After I picked Anna up, we drove around town for a while. But then I realized she had to go home with my nephew somehow so I brought Anna back. By the time I got there it was six thirty-ish. Anna needs to eat dinner so I roasted chicken and some vegetables and asked her to stay too.
It was the most awkward dinner I have ever had in my entire life, period. It didn’t feel right. Infact, it felt really odd. And we spent a lot of time eating dinner together before. But this time the chemistry was off the chart. There were no conversations what so ever. I just wanted to finish eating as quickly as possible, and then offerred to take her home. She was sitting across the dining table, helping me feed Anna and looking at me from time to time or so I think. I wasn’t peeking, but I could just feel what was going on. It was so awkward. I felt like the whole room was pitched black and the ceiling was going to fall down on me. Smh
Speaking of awkwardness, the ride home was worse. She was crying, quietly, the whole time in the passenger seat. I didn’t know what to do or say, and I had to stay focus on the road or else I would get in a wreck. If the person is Allison then I would pull over, hug her or give her kisses but in that situation the person is not my wife. So none can do. Sigh. Awkward. I think I say that word too many times today but that word is the only word can be used to describe the situation.
When I pulled into her drive way, she finally said something. She asked “were you mad yesterday?”
Didn’t really know where she is taking me on this conversation so I asked back:
“about?”
“I came home late, were you upset?”
“yes”
“were you worried?”
“yes”
“you do care?”
“yes”
“you do?”
“yes”
“why? Is it because you love me?”
“No!”
???
“I took care for a member in my family, who was drunk, that’s all.”
Silent for a minute, then she asked:
“if I’m not one of your family members, will you still take good care of me?”
“yes, I do care for all of my friends”
“did you really love me back in college?”
“I don’t know”
That question came out of no where. I wasn’t expected that. It has been so long since Etown. I was 18, and I really don’t remember what I was doing besides getting myself in trouble atm. The conversation continue:
“why did you leave me?”
“you know why I left you, I got kick out of school. I was caught drinking on campus, remember?”
“why didn’t you come back, or say something before you left?”
“…”
“I waited for you for years.”
“…”
“If you haven’t met Allie, would you love me?”
“what do you mean?”
“I meant at the wedding, when we saw each other again. If Allie wasn’t there, would you get back…get together with me?”
“…”
I really don’t know how to answer that question. All of the what if questions. It really doesn’t matter because we can’t go back in time and change things. Besides, why would she ask me something that I can’t answer, or allow to answer. Even if I was to say yes, it would be so wrong. She is married. I’m married. We both have kids. My wife is not here but her husband is still alive. And he has feelings. Even if he is not my brother, I still wouldn’t mess with someone’s wife. I will not do that. I’m not who I was.
TG the conversation ended when my nephew started crying in the back seat. He timed it perfectly.
What a horrible, horrible situation. But atleast she got the true answers out of me. And then, right before she got out, she turned around and said “when J comes back tomorrow night, I’m going to let him know I talked to a lawyer, paper works are in.”
She closed the passenger door, took Evan and walked away. Didn’t even give me a chance to ask questions. I was in total shock.
What paper work? What is she talking about? Please don’t do this! Not before the reunion. Oh my god! What does she want? What does she want from me? What does she want me to do? I’ll do it, please. I’ll do anything. Please don’t walk away from J. Let’s talk this out. There has to be a solution. Why do you have to take the exit? Can we fix this? Somehow? What’s going on???
Stress
I’m going to be very sick. I can’t sleep for the 2nd day in a row. I’m mentally exhausted